Retiring the Anger: A Post-Show Discussion

Well today marked the closing night of what has undoubtedly been the most terrifying shows for me ever to take on.

"12 Angry Men" by Reginald Rose.

I believe I have mentioned that I consider myself much more of a singer than an actor. So when I auditioned for this show, I was hoping just to get in. You know, something small. Maybe the Bailiff. So, when Miss Nena called and offered me Juror #8 the words "Holy F%#k!" were the first words to come out of my mouth. Yes, I know, I'm classy. Normally I am a little more verbose and well spoken, but that was what erupted from my mouth.

The next five weeks were spent frantically trying to cram my section of the lines into my head. I would go to rehearsal and watch the other actors and feel consistently outclassed and miscast. I mean, these guys are good. Some are old pros, some are new ones. But each and every one of them managed to impress me over the course of this adventure. There were times when I would look at the director in my head and I would be having this conversation with her asking why in the world would she do this to me? Really, what it came down to was that I was my own worse enemy. It took me so long to get out of my own way.

It was actually this show that made me truly understand what it meant to have to "get out of your head" for the part. Come opening night I felt that I was at least ready to perform. I could say my lines, move to the correct locations at the correct time, and look as if I was actually involved in the reality of this show. But I was constantly thinking, "What comes next?" Thankfully the group of men that I had the pleasure of working with were incredible. We fell into the rhythm of the show and as the first weekend moved on we truly found our characters.  Even I managed to get to the point where I no longer was asking what came next.

By the end it had taken on a life of it's own (to use a complete cliche). There were some characters that had truly become much deeper over the 4 week run and there was definitely an emotional current that ran with the tale. And then today it came to a stop.

This has been both a happy day and one that contains a bit of a letdown funk. However, I am glad the show is over. We put together a very good tale that was quite different from the one that people know from the various movie iterations. I have met some new people and feel that I have managed to create new and deeper connections with some that I already knew. And personally I feel that I have managed to take a step forward in what I have been able to do on stage. There is a definite satisfaction with this role and with the closing of the show. Do I think I am a true "actor" yet? No, but I do feel that I have improved and benefited from being cast. Will I ever get there? It's possible.

I offer my thanks to the director, the cast, and the crew for this opportunity and I look forward to the chance to work with any and all of them again.

I'm not an actor, but I play one on stage...

"What Men Live By."

That was my first show. I was 5 years old at the time, so it would have been 1977 or early 1978. Despite my swiss cheese memory I can still remember that show. It was a musical and I had to be a street urchin who played the harmonica and then stole an apple from a lady selling them on the street. I was brilliant. My mother told me.

Since then I have found myself on stage in nearly 100 shows. I am neither a trained actor nor a trained singer. I have somehow managed to stumble along and pick up what I need to do. I make no claims about being a great actor or an incredible singer. What I am is a hack.

"A Hack of All Trades" you might say.  I have always loved learning how to do something for myself. It just seemed appropriate. Somehow I managed to make that apply to theatre as well. So maybe it's better to call be a "Hactor", or better yet, a "Hactorbationist." I think that has the best ring to it of all.

I believe that will be the theme of this blog. Hactorbationism. A guide / personal documentation of surviving theatre from the perspective of a complete hack, yours truly.

Will it be life changing? Probably not.

Will your agree with everything I put here? Hopefully not. As I have said before, I'm just faking it.

Will you laugh at my idiocy and lack of actual knowledge? Most likely, but that's okay. I do that as well on a very frequent basis.

That being said, I must put this away for a while as I have to review my lines for tonight's performance. Don't wish me "Good luck", because apparently that's actually bad luck. But don't tell me to "Break legs", because knowing me I may manage to do so. Instead tell me "Don't suck." I'll try not to do just that.